Did you know?

did you know there is a certificate you get for overcoming Suicidal Tendencies and that there is a band called Suicidal Tendencies I found out both of these things today itself 


I kinda stopped writing about myself cause I left I was too on the nose and weird and started wrapping them up in fictional stories, I mean its probably still weird for you guys but I find it better this way.

But can’t really put this in a fictional story so…

Apparently, I overcame dem suicidal thoughts, I mean I didn’t hurt myself for a long time before until May of 2016 but now it’s different according to my very fuckin smart therapist Sunil.

He says now I don’t care about other peoples feeling and words like I used to so there is very less chance of me actually getting hurt by them, as I am still wondering if that’s a good thing or a bad thing he follows it up by saying that he has learned that I’ve stopped making a priority list like I used to now it just  me first. At this point, I am still wondering if that’s good or not.

And like that, I realised that this was the last time I was gonna see Sunil, our long journey has finally ended, so thanks for being their dude, love you.

Also, congratulations Aakash for overcoming and also for not being able to even kill yourself properly 😂😂



This story is dedicated to some of the people from my surrounding and me
I open the door and walk in the building, I walk through the lobby and all these people walking in sync with me. I reach the lift where there are already around 15 people waiting for the lift, soon the lift arrives and some people manage to get on me being one of them.

As we awkwardly stand in the elevator I turn my volume down in my earphones so that people can’t hear me, I was never really much for chats and I’ve gotten quite used to this, it’s been a year, all I’ve been doing is following this same pattern and I am pretty sure all the people in this elevator with me do the same I can tell by their faces.

The elevator stops at the 12th floor some walk out of the lift and starts punching their cards before going to their work desk, I sit at my table and start working on my stupid databases. 

I am in my car heading back home, it takes me around half an hour to get back, I stop by a liquor store to get me some whisky. I reach my building, I enter the elevator and go on to press the 2nd-floor button. The elevator is empty still my expression and feelings are the same as it was when filled with people. I enter my room and head to the kitchen I place two glasses with 3 ice cubes in each.

“Took you long enough today love.” She says standing behind me as feel the warmth of her hand slowly climbing my chest from behind, I open the bottle and pour some whisky to both of us I turn and hand her one of the glass and kiss her before looking into her eyes. We both empty our glasses in one sip, we start kissing our hearts start beating furiously I pick her up and head to the bedroom, my hands making ways through her straight brown hair both of our bodies heating up.

A few hours pass by, I can’t sleep as thoughts cloud my mind, she wakes up as well and asks me “what’s wrong?” I reply “Nothing really just some trouble at work.” “Shoots not going as planned ?” I stop for a while and then finally reply in my broken words “no..no love the shoots are going wonderfully, I am having a great time acting and stuff”.

She slides closer to me, holds my hands and tells me “I love you Manav”

“I love you too”.

The next day I go to work.

Do my stupid databased work.

Stop by the liquor store.

Head to the kitchen pours to glasses of whisky.

Fuck her.
No sleep today as well, I get out of my bed and walk to my hall looking around to distract myself, as I’m walking around my hall I see a C.D on my dinner table, it’s a movie of some sort of “nocturnal animal”, I pick up the C.D and play the movie on my laptop. The movie is almost over but suddenly I feel this rush of uneasiness running through my body, I stop the movie and play it back a few seconds, something about this seems wrong, I stare at the screen for a few seconds and I see it finally there is me in the background or a guy that looks exactly like me in the back playing one of the gang members in this movie. What is this? I close my laptop as this uneasiness takes over my body, I try to be calm and think what to do. I rush to pick up my phone to open Google, I search nocturnal animal on Google and tap on the cast.

There it was the same guy who looks exactly like me but his name is different from “Aakash Pathak”.

I try to look up more information about him but there is really minimal information on him online, although found his account on this website called “actors apply” it had his e-mail and phone number. I stand there with my phone, ready to call him but I am scared, I feel uneasy. I finally give him a call, my heartbeat gets faster with every ring.


“Who’s calling ?” I can’t reply as I am too shocked by listening to his voice, it’s the exact same. I finally manage to get words out of my mouth 

” H-Hello? Yeah…..um… I wanted to….. talk regarding a …….. movie….” before I could finish he says 

” can you please call me after dawn and at 3 in the morning” and ends the call.

I think he didn’t notice that we sound exactly the same or he wouldn’t have cut the call, I need to show him somehow that we look exactly the same maybe then I’ll move a chance to meet him, I check if he is on what’s app or any kind of social media and he isn’t. So I decided to email him a video of me asking him to meet me.

The next day I sit at my work desk doing some accounting as I get a message on my phone, it’s from Aakash it’s an address and a time for today. I grab my bag and rush out of the office. I start driving as I feel excited and nervous, it’s a hotel room that he has called me into, I reach the hotel and run to the enquiry counter asking for a room booked by Aakash Pathak but she can’t find it in her entry. I think for a while and then ask for a room booked by the name Manav Pathak and there it was in her entry book “room 505 thank sir”. I enter the lift and press 5th-floor button, my hands start sweating, the lift door opens, I walk the lobby and here I am standing right outside 505. I fear to open the door as I don’t know what to expect on the other side, I open the door and there he was looking out the window of the room. He turns to me and I can’t believe this, I slowly walk closer to him, our hight, face, hair length, eye colour, everything matches and at this point I am just afraid of what is happening. I can tell by his face he’s as confused as I am but not as afraid, then finally talks 

“Top-right on your head….. what was it ?”

What? No, it can’t be how does he know what that?

“Did you hit your head on one of the screws on you school bench or….. you thought a fan could kill you?” As he says this he lifts his hair up to a scar on his head. This can’t be, this was a mistake, I need to leave my body is shaking with fear. I tell him this was a mistake sorry and leave the room.  I ran down to my car I start my car and drive away as fast as I can. I reach my building I ran to my house, I get in and try to wrap my head around everything that’s happening but I can’t. I pour myself a glass of whisky and try to calm myself down. After a while I hear a knock on my door, I open the door thinking it’s my wife but as soon as I open the door he pushes it from the other side knocking me down to the ground he rushes inside and closes the door locking the door.

“Nah… you can’t run away like this…we need to clear this” after saying that he notices the ring in my hand.

he chuckles and says “this might be the only thing that not similar between us…..yet” he punches me in the face knocking me out.

While he is knocked out I lock him in the bedroom closet, leaving the door open just enough to let him see outside but can’t move and speak and here he is up.

“You know she is very hot, she doesn’t deserve a boring shithead like you but me on the other hand….. well” as I am saying this to him I hear the door unlock, I get up and head to the living room where she is pouring herself a drink, I walk up to her and hold her from behind ” how was your day love ?” I ask her, she replies by saying “my day was……good but you seem rather happy today what’s up?” She turns to me smiling. “Nothing, just a rather great day at work”. I pick her up kissing her and taking her to the bedroom. My hand going right through her beautiful straight brown hair, I feel her soft skin as I undress her, her skin much fairer compared to mine almost as soft and white as the snow with her soft pink lips ” I love you, Fatima”

“I love you too Aakash”

No guilt 

I wake up outside my house, it’s burning. I try to get up but the wind on my leg is still fresh, I somehow manage to get up, I see my house burning and everything inside burning with it, my clothes, my tv, my bed, my memories but I don’t want to do anything to stop it, I just let it burn.

In fact, somewhere deep down I want to see it burn down and very memory with. As warmth brushes through my hair I decide to sit down and unwrap the wound on my leg, as I do so and look at the gunshot wound on my leg I am reminded of the day agai


9th December 2017 
Something happened that day.

Something bad, that will probably put a stain on my possible future.

Something that has scarred me and will stay with me in my possible future.
What happened is something I can’t share cause it’s personal and the people reading this aren’t whom I trust.
However once I got out if that situation, I was desperate to have someone to share it with, I was desperate for comfort and in the end, I had two people I could share it with.
One has an influence on my past and the 2nd one has an influence on my present/future, then I remembered this whole year has just been painful and no matter how scarring this was it wasn’t the worst thing that has happened to me.
So I decide to call the 2nd option, I haven’t talked to her much, I mean we have talked a lot but we’ve never shared something this serious or dark with each other.
I called her and told her what happened and I was glad I choose her.

Never have I seen someone so worried about my wellbeing and it gave me comfort.

Exactly what I needed.
– Aakash Pathak 

Love ?

Love? there at the dining table, nervous, afraid, can’t really figure out what I am feeling.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain, I turn around to see a knife driven through my back.

I fall on my knees gasping for air, blood drops from my mouth, as the pain increases and everything starts to blur out.

Then you come in, looking as beautiful as always and through my pain I try to tell you things that I never had the guts to say before but I can’t speak, you come in close and hold my hand, I look up into your eye and all the pain is gone.

Your eyes, so deep and so beautiful that I would never want to come out of it. 

The relief they gave me, your eyes made me feel that nothing could ever hurt me. Like I finally achieved inner peace after the years and years of pain.

I possibly couldn’t define your eyes by one colour, what I saw in them was my world but different, where I was happy.

In relief, I rest my head on your shoulder facing the wall behind you.

I have never left this, never has someone come up to and tell me everything is going to be fine, in the storm of words like hate and shame I had forgotten how to pronounce “love” cause I’ve I have never felt it.

Never I have been so afraid to lose someone.

With you, a thousand knife can stab me at the same time and I wouldn’t feel any pain.

Now I am ready to forget pain just like I had forgotten what love was, I am ready to be happy and as I say my whole body is taken over by pain, I slowly look down to see a knife driven through my chest and it’s you holding it. 

With a dark shadow over you.

I look into your eyes filled with guilt, it somewhat comforts me what you didn’t want to do this but had to.

the guilt soon vanishes from your eyes as you use to guilt and sad sadness to power yourself, the dark shadow over you grows and I can see it smiling down at me.

You use the guilt and sadness to drive through everything in front of you, I would say that I am happy seeing to this strong. If I wasn’t one of those things you drove through.



The right way out, as you can’t put your pride or your purity on the line, you just can’t risk it. 

So you will agree to hurt someone so much that they might as well jump off a building ( depending on the person) but won’t keep your pride or purity aside to make someone happy.

Let’s face it truth hurts almost everytime.
A Lie- 

Where you keep your pride aside at the cost of making someone or yourself happy.

Like telling a kid that if he shuts up he’s going to get chocolate when you have no chocolate with you, from there it can go two ways. The kids not going to get his chocolate and be disappointed or you’re going to go out of the way to get that kid a chocolate and turn that lie into a fact.

Puts a responsibility on you to actually work and turn that lie into a truth.
But you can’t possibly lie, can you? Brings you down from the cloud you live on and that doesn’t work for your pride or purity, even tho you lie to yourself every day about your ego that you have mistaken for your pride/ purity.

Lying is not always bad if it brings someone happiness, if you think bring someone happiness is wrong then do I really need to tell you who’s wrong?

It’s Her (end)

I step closer asking the same question again “why me?” Followed by “and what is your involvement in this “.  At first it was too dark to actually see her face properly but the flames buring from the field beside us,  I can see a bit more clearly I start walking towards her, hold her by the neck, push her down and shoot on the ground beside her, then I concentrate on her face and soon my question changes from “why me?” To “why you?”. To my surprise it’s one for my girlfriends friends that I happen to know, I start raging out “she trusted you, you are one of the few people she trusted and you are working for the one that killed her? You’ve known her for years” my anger keeps building and then I get a thought that was she worth doing this for ? 

I take a deep breath I bend down to her and ask her again ” why are you working for the girl who killed your friend?” She replies ” she didn’t Aakash and she didn’t plan to kill you as well but you’re the kind of person that do let go right?” I look at her for a second and then reply by saying ” what the fuck are you talking about? I saw her die” she says ” I can’t explain this to you, she can” so she tells me to get in the car, I think for a second and then realise I lost the love of my life today, I killed a man today and soon realise that my girlfriend cheating on me with the same guy. At this point I just need answers so I get up, I help her get up and we get in the car.

She starts the and instead of going forward she takes a turn and starts heading back, I don’t ask any questions I just go with it, some moments later I ask her why is she involved with this she says ” you’ll know everything once you see her” I stay quite for a minute and then look at the gunshot on my leg and ask for a cloth or something, she hands me a white long cloth, I take the black tee off my leg and throw it out into the field, I turn on the lights inside the car and I can see that the skin around the gun shot has start turning black, I wrap this white cloth aro5my leg and soon with realising I am unconscious assuming by that lack of food and water intake plus the blood loss.
I don’t after how long but I walk up back at my place in my bedroom on my bed, with the chandelier changing it’s dim colours, I see my hands and my leg is properly aided, I try to sit up right, as I am trying to do that the door opens and she walks in, the girl in black,  she’s wearing a black jumpsuit with small white designs on it looks like I have seen it before. She holding two glasses of mazza, she keeps them on the table beside me, shows me a packet and tells me “I know you need answers Aakash and yes you deserve to know but I know what kind of a person you are, so for that you have to drink this and I’ll give you all the answers” and she empties out the packet in the drink, without any thought I pick up the drink and start sipping it.

She is concerned for a while and then she sits besides me slowly lowers my head on to her lap, she slowly scrolls through my hair.

“I didn’t kill her Aakash, she killed herself, because of ….issues she couldn’t stay like this forever no matter how much loved to. I never wanted this for you as well Aakash but you’re just so fucking dumb, just can’t let go” as a tear rolls down her face, ever inch of my body wants to wipe it off I slowly lift my hand and wipe it off, she holds my hand and slowly proceeds to hold my hand with both her hands. ” instead of letting go this is the shit you do to yourself which causes pain to others and you. When it comes to her cheating on you how did you get that? Just because you saw a chat ? Does that mean she’s cheating on you ? You’re too insecure, too sensitive and too emotionally driven.” I wanted to reply what about the promises? What about the plans?  But didn’t kept it to myself as she continues “there were a lot of things she didn’t tell you about herself or her past life. she loved you Aakash but I don’t. I can’t” she leans down kisses my fore head and wipes off all the tears streaming down my face, I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I can’t feel my body now, so I prepare myself for a nice nap as people that the naps after crying are the best naps. At least I die on her lap as she holds me, before actually letting go I think about if this story had to end like this? Well doesn’t matter now.
The end 
Thanks for reading