No guilt 

I wake up outside my house, it’s burning. I try to get up but the wond on my leg is still fresh, I somehow manage to get up, I see my house buring and everything inside burning with it, my clothes, my tv, my bed, my memories but I don’t want to do anything to stop it, I just let it burn.

In fact somewhere deep down I want to see it burn down and very memory with. As warmth brushes through my hair I decide to sit down and unwrap the wound on my leg, as I do so and look at the gunshot wound on my leg I am reminded of the day again, when a girl was killed but who was she ?
I warp it back up and start walking towards my aunts house as we lived near by. As I reach her society and was about to enter it I see a guy standing in a distance at the four way, can’t really see his face but seems about my height, looks like he’s waiting for someone but it’s 4:00 am. He sees me looking at him so he tries not make any eye contact and walks into one of the lanes with his weird walk.

I head into the society not giving much attention to what I just saw and I knock the door, it’s 4:00 am but I knock harder not really caring about them or others. As soon as they open the door I force myself in and head to the bathroom and try to take a bath in that small ass 4 by 4 space.

After a while I come out and tell then that I’ll be staying here for like 2 day, I feel like apologising for entering like that but I don’t actually apologies to them and ask then for food instead.

After having the food I rush out the house cause I felt uneasy inside with my aunt knowing my history with her isn’t necessarily good.

As soon as I step out of the house I see the same guy I saw earlier right outside the society’s gate, he tries to run as soon as he notices that I saw him.

I try to run after him but the wound stops me from doing so, I try my best to ignore the pain and run after him, I feel the blood slowly making its way down my leg.

As I get out of the gate I see him not very far on the ground struggling to crawl his way to the footpath, ahead of him I see a black jeep which rushes off as I start walking towards him.

I can only assume that it was that the jeep that hit him.

As I am walking towards him I step on a small bag, I pick it up to see what’s in it, there all kind of pills in it mostly sleeping pills, pain killers, weed and a gun. I start walking towards him again, I grab him by his hoodie and turn him towards me so I could see his face.
It’s me, well at least he looks exactly like me. I step back in shock trying to understand what’s happening, I see him trying find something in his pockets, I think he’s looking for the bag I picked up I ask him “ask are you looking for your ……pills?”.

He instantly replies “no……ia need my phone” I look around a bit but I can’t see a phone anywhere, I step close to him and ask him “how are you?” He doesn’t answer my question instead he keeps looking for his phone arena I can see his eyes watering up.

I ask him again “how are yo-” before I can finish he shouts “how the fuck so you think ? Now give me your phone now!” He shouts as half of his face is covered in blood and more blood drips from his mouth. 

I remove my phone from my pocket and hand it to him, think he might want to call someone but instead he swiping through the menu trying to find something else, I remove the gun from that bag I found and hand him the bag asking if it was his bag.

He quickly grabs the bag and removes all the pill from it and eats stuffs three of those pills in his mouth and turns back to the phone again, I get up and point the gun on him, he doesn’t even notice as he opens the gallery on my phone and opens up a pic of a girl that makes me feel uneasy, as he starts crying after looking at her picture, I can see his wrists by the way he is hold the phone, his writ filled with cuts.

I make my grip on the strong pointing it on his head, I feel guilt, I feel heavy, I feel pain and I shoot him.

Just like that all the pain, heaviness, guilt went away.



9th December 2017 
Something happened that day.

Something bad, that will probably put a stain on my possible future.

Something that has scarred me and will stay with me in my possible future.
What happened is something I can’t share cause it’s personal and the people reading this aren’t whom I trust.
However once I got out if that situation, I was desperate to have someone to share it with, I was desperate for comfort and in the end I had two people I could share it with.
One has a influence on my past and the 2nd one has a influence on my present/future, then I remembered this whole year has just been painful and no matter how scarring this was it wasn’t the worst thing that has happened to me.
So I decide to call the 2nd option, I haven’t talked to her much, I mean we have talked a lot but we’ve never shared something this serious or dark with each other.
I called her and told her what happened and I was glad I choose her.

Never have I seen someone so worried for my wellbeing and it gave me comfort.

Exactly what I needed.
– Aakash Pathak 

Love ?

I sit there at the dining table, nervous, afraid, can’t really figure out what I am feeling.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain, I turn around to see a knife driven through my back.

I fall on my knees gasping for air, blood drops from my mouth, as the pain increases and everything starts to blur out.

Then you come in, looking as beautiful as always and through my pain I try to tell you things that I never had the guts to say before but I can’t speak, you come in close and hold my hand, I look up into your eye and all the pain is gone.

Your eyes, so deep and so beautiful that I would never want to come out of it. 

The relief they gave me, your eyes made me feel that nothing could ever hurt me. Like I finally achieved inner peace after the years and years of pain.

I possible couldn’t define your eyes by one colour, what I saw in them was my world but different, where I was happy.

In relief, I rest my head on your shoulder facing the wall behind you.

I have never left this, never has someone come up to and tell me everything is going to be fine, in the storm of words like hate and shame I had forgotten how to pronounce “love” cause I’ve I have never felt it.

Never I have been so afraid to lose someone.

With you a thousand knife can stab me at same time and I wouldn’t feel any pain.

Now I am ready to forget pain just like I had forgotten what love was, I am ready to be happy and as I say my whole body is taken over by pain, I slowly look down to see a knife driven through my chest and it’s you holding it. 

With a dark shadow over you.

I look into your eyes filled with guilt, it somewhat comforts me what you didn’t want to do this but had to.

the guilt soon vanishis from your eyes as you use to guilt and sad sadness to power yourself, the dark shadow over you grows and I can see it smiling down at me.

You use the guilt and sadness to drive through everything in front of you, I would say that I am happy seeing to this strong. If I wasn’t one of those things your drove through.



The right way out, as you can’t put your pride or your purity on the line, you just can’t risk it. 

So you willingly agree to hurt someone so much that they might as well jump off a building ( depending on the person) but won’t keep your pride or purity aside to make someone happy.

Let’s face it truth hurts almost everytime.
A lie- 

Where you keep your pride aside at the cost of making someone or yourself happy.

Like telling a kid that if he shuts up he’s going to get  chocolate when you have no chocolate with you, from there it can go two ways. The kids not going to get his chocolate and be disappointed or your going to go out of the way to get that kid a chocolate and turn that lie into a fact.

Puts a responsibility on you to actually work and turn that lie into a truth.
But you can’t possibly lie can you? Brings you down from the cloud you live on and that doesn’t work for your pride or purity, even tho you lie to yourself everyday about your ego that you have mistaken for your pride/ purity.

Lying is not always bad if it brings someone happiness, if you think bring someone happiness is wrong then do I really need to tell you who’s wrong ?

It’s Her (end)

I step closer asking the same question again “why me?” Followed by “and what is your involvement in this “.  At first it was too dark to actually see her face properly but the flames buring from the field beside us,  I can see a bit more clearly I start walking towards her, hold her by the neck, push her down and shoot on the ground beside her, then I concentrate on her face and soon my question changes from “why me?” To “why you?”. To my surprise it’s one for my girlfriends friends that I happen to know, I start raging out “she trusted you, you are one of the few people she trusted and you are working for the one that killed her? You’ve known her for years” my anger keeps building and then I get a thought that was she worth doing this for ? 

I take a deep breath I bend down to her and ask her again ” why are you working for the girl who killed your friend?” She replies ” she didn’t Aakash and she didn’t plan to kill you as well but you’re the kind of person that do let go right?” I look at her for a second and then reply by saying ” what the fuck are you talking about? I saw her die” she says ” I can’t explain this to you, she can” so she tells me to get in the car, I think for a second and then realise I lost the love of my life today, I killed a man today and soon realise that my girlfriend cheating on me with the same guy. At this point I just need answers so I get up, I help her get up and we get in the car.

She starts the and instead of going forward she takes a turn and starts heading back, I don’t ask any questions I just go with it, some moments later I ask her why is she involved with this she says ” you’ll know everything once you see her” I stay quite for a minute and then look at the gunshot on my leg and ask for a cloth or something, she hands me a white long cloth, I take the black tee off my leg and throw it out into the field, I turn on the lights inside the car and I can see that the skin around the gun shot has start turning black, I wrap this white cloth aro5my leg and soon with realising I am unconscious assuming by that lack of food and water intake plus the blood loss.
I don’t after how long but I walk up back at my place in my bedroom on my bed, with the chandelier changing it’s dim colours, I see my hands and my leg is properly aided, I try to sit up right, as I am trying to do that the door opens and she walks in, the girl in black,  she’s wearing a black jumpsuit with small white designs on it looks like I have seen it before. She holding two glasses of mazza, she keeps them on the table beside me, shows me a packet and tells me “I know you need answers Aakash and yes you deserve to know but I know what kind of a person you are, so for that you have to drink this and I’ll give you all the answers” and she empties out the packet in the drink, without any thought I pick up the drink and start sipping it.

She is concerned for a while and then she sits besides me slowly lowers my head on to her lap, she slowly scrolls through my hair.

“I didn’t kill her Aakash, she killed herself, because of ….issues she couldn’t stay like this forever no matter how much loved to. I never wanted this for you as well Aakash but you’re just so fucking dumb, just can’t let go” as a tear rolls down her face, ever inch of my body wants to wipe it off I slowly lift my hand and wipe it off, she holds my hand and slowly proceeds to hold my hand with both her hands. ” instead of letting go this is the shit you do to yourself which causes pain to others and you. When it comes to her cheating on you how did you get that? Just because you saw a chat ? Does that mean she’s cheating on you ? You’re too insecure, too sensitive and too emotionally driven.” I wanted to reply what about the promises? What about the plans?  But didn’t kept it to myself as she continues “there were a lot of things she didn’t tell you about herself or her past life. she loved you Aakash but I don’t. I can’t” she leans down kisses my fore head and wipes off all the tears streaming down my face, I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I can’t feel my body now, so I prepare myself for a nice nap as people that the naps after crying are the best naps. At least I die on her lap as she holds me, before actually letting go I think about if this story had to end like this? Well doesn’t matter now.
The end 
Thanks for reading 


I Trusted Her

A few minutes passes by I sit there thinking what I have done, then I decide to check his phone to know who he actually was and was he tell the truth about my girlfriend.

I pick up his put in the password and I go to what’s app to see if they had any chats before, no chats in what’s app, I check the call logs and there’s nothing there, soon I open instagram to check his name and stuff, they guy was called prashant and he did follow my girlfriend on insta and she followed him too. It occurs to me that one can also chat on instagram, I open the D.Ms and there it was their chats. 

The chat started with calling one our fight drama and later also calls one of my suicide attempts a drama.

My mind and my heart refuses to believe this but the proof was right here in front of me, he was telling the truth.

I try to get back to my feet I am filled with anger and these thoughts, who was I dating? Is this all our relationship was ? All the things I did for her. While I was thinking about this all the old memories flood back the times she was a support to me, the time when she said “I’ll never let you do something as dumb as suicide ” all these memories say that this can’t be true but here I am with the chats in my hand.

I slowly make my way to the car, I open the and try to start the car it doesn’t start. I sit on the drivers sit with my legs out, I try to unwrap the cloth on my wound as it was dripping blood, slowly I get it off and I look at the cloth and I can slightly see the out print of same word “pinky” I come to the conclusion that if this wound was wrapped by the girl in black the these two know each other which was also justifield by the way he didn’t stop when I told him to. I pick up the cloth which was on his back seat and wrap that around my leg and I look at the road, it looks like it’s never ending but as much as I want to shoot myself in the head now I need answers.

Before leaving I open his trunk to see if there is something helpful and there is a bag, I take the bag put the gun in it and head to the drinks he had in his back seat to my bad luck only one bottle survived.

I soon start walking down the road with half empty bottle in my hand.

While I try to think about her but is one of best times in my life just a lie, the one person loved and trusted Is just one of those people that I was afraid I would run into. It’s almost night and I see a car heading towards, I didn’t cause of my last interactions but it stops anyways, I get my bag to my front and put I hand in to grab the gun, they roll down their window and ask me where am I heading.

In the drivers seat the is a healthy younget girl with straight hair, extremely fair and glasses and on the next seat is a relatively darker guy, sports attire and almost a stick figure like body type. Well they look harmless, I open the back door and get in say the nearest police station. These guys after a few seconds of silence they ask how did I end up looking like this on the road, I tell them I made up story of how I got into an accident and busted the car and my leg. They ask “what about the hands? Looks like they have been through shit. Literally and figuratively” I let out a chuckle, then I look at my hands three of them have no nails anymore and bleeding, it makes me think all this regret I had that I couldn’t save her has turned into hate and all this did for her was that really worth going through?

I shift my attention back to them and reply ” yeah, they have been through stuff”. Suddenly we see a full black SUV heading our way, the girl driving trys to take a sharp turn but the SUV hits the back end of the car and sends us spinning into the field, as soon as the car stops spinning I tell these guys to run and hide in the corn field and I hide in the car. From the SUV a thin girl, about 5.5 tall, fair with dark hair steps out from the driver seat, assuming she was the only one in the car, she takes something out of her car I can’t see it properly because of the night but looks like a rock, she throws the thing into the field, it take me a while to realise it but it’s too late as a flash followed by flames and a loud sound breaks the front glass of my car, I try not to scream in pain as some of the glass hit my forehead, I look up as she is standing right next to the car looking of into the field, I grad my gun and kick open the door pushing her to the ground, I step out point the gun at her, as the field behind us burns I ask her “why me?” 

Who Was He ?

He starts sipping down his drink and that creepy smile isn’t going off his damn face, I try to act like I didn’t see anything in the back of the car and I can’t tell if he buys it or not because of that fucking smile on his face. He soon turns on his radio and starts playing music, bad taste in music is what I can tell. 

We have been driving for an hour with very little talks, I keep looking out the window confused about why the girl in black would kill her or why would this guy have this hood and why would come the same way I did from that medical this couldn’t just be a coincidence, are these people stalking me? 

While I think about all this I suddenly see that we drove by my car, I tell this guy to stop his car, I tell him that we drove past my car he ignores me and increases the speed of his car, he locks the door and tells me to shut up. Soon I see a speed breaker, I as quietly as possible, we approach the speed breaker and he doesn’t slow down as much I thought he would but this was my window.

I punch the guys across the face with my right hand, open the door with my left, push the wheel to the right and push myself to the left out the car. 

I get back to my feet as soon as possible and see that the car has ended up off the road and on the field, I start walking towards the car as I see no movement as I get close I see that the guys head is bleeding and his doors window is broken, I try to make as less sound as possible but he sees me through the rare view mirror and rushes to grade something inside his car, I ran as fast I could with my injured leg towards the car and as soon as he puts his hand out the window towards me I hit his and a gun falls down from his hand, I grab the gun and point it to him through his broken window.

I inform him to get out of his car, my hands shake as I have never held a gun before, he gets out and then gets a call I tell him to throw the phone to me so that I could know who he is, I felt asking is pointless. He throws his phone near my feet I puck it up while still pointing the gun at him, I ask for the pin to his phone which was 3001.

He soon notices the shaking of my hand and realises that I have never held a gun before he let’s out a small laugh while I am going through his phone, In his phone I see a contact saved by my girlfriends name I open the contact to make sure and eve  the number is hers, I show the contact to him and ask him “why the fuck do you have this number ” he chuckles I ask him again he keeps laughing and says “i can tell you have never held a gun before after all it isn’t meant for pussies” he steps closer he keeps talking “you want to how I have her number? She was my bitch, I even fucked her ” he keeps walking towards me ” she was a treat believe m-” and I shot him out of pure anger he falls to the ground and I fall to my knees with my leg still bleeding in disbelief that I just killed a man without knowing who he was or if he was lying or not.

to be continued